3 Reasons Why Giving a Hug is the Least You Can Do This Holiday Season

The weather is cooling down, the days are getting shorter, and the holidays are creeping near. We all hope for a Hallmark-worthy holiday: you know it… the loved ones gathered around smiling and well-posed, the iconic meal perfectly plated with ease, and everyone enjoying each others’ company with thankful hearts and stimulating conversation….

….Yet, those are hard to come by. Instead, the kids chasing each other around with Nerf guns, all the guests are congregating in the kitchen as you cook, and you remember that there’s no possible way all this food can be served hot. And, without fail, that certain someone will have one-too-many glasses of wine - despite your valiant efforts to keep the bottle as far away from them as possible on the table. The conversation will turn awkward and uncomfortable, and you’ll remember why you said last year you were going to throw in the towel and start using the holiday time for personal vacation.

If you’re not looking forward to seeing a certain family member (or all your family members, no shame here) this holiday season, you’re not alone.

When standing toe to toe with a task that feels much too big - like enjoying everyone’s company this holiday season- it is always powerful to start with one small change.

There is one, scientifically proven, small change that you can make this year to benefit those you come in contact with and yourself.

3 reasons why you should be extra generous with the hugs this holiday season:

(even to those you’re not the most thankful for)

1. IT’S CHEMICALLY GOOD FOR THEM, AND FOR YOU

It’s pretty common knowledge that all the lovey-dovey stuff releases oxytocin, the “cuddle hormone,” which gives us that cozy blanket, fuzzy socks, and warm cocoa on a wintery day feeling. Oxytocin also, “promotes feelings of devotion, trust, and bonding,”

and can even make people, “less reactive when faced with potentially threatening experiences.” When released this powerful hormone not only injects you with feelings of smiles and rainbows, but it also fights the stress hormone cortisol that produces tension and panic.

Research by Michael Murphy, PH.D., from  Carnegie Mellon University shows that an increase in oxytocin is “linked to less of a ‘fight-or-flight’ response to stressful situations.” More of the feel-good hormones leads us to feeling safer, more cared for, and less reactive. So incorporating more hugs can not only make you feel happier in the moment, it can also prevent the mid-dinner political debate from becoming too threatening. So instead of focusing on spreading the cheer this holiday season, prioritize spreading the oxytocin.

2. IT CAN KEEP YOU AND YOUR HEART HEALTHIER

Although it may feel as if getting physically close to your family this holiday season may make you physically ill, research shows that hugging it out actually makes you healthier.

In addition to lower blood pressure and heart rates, research shows that the increase of oxytocin, provided to you and your loved one during a hug, can help stabilize your immune systems. Carnegie Mellon research study found that individuals who received more hugs and had more social support had less severe symptoms of illness. When we are threatened, or under stress, our immune system responds accordingly, and acts more aggressively than it may need to, leading to increased risk of illness.

If you tend to battle colds when the weather changes for good and the snow starts to stick, being a generous hugger may help you give your immune system the TLC it needs to keep it in check. Murphy added a personal anecdote to his findings, stating that “[He is] far more likely to offer a hug than [he] used to be,” and that it’s now his, “‘go-to’ response,” for when his own loved ones are distressed. See! It even changed the scientist’s ways!

3. THE MORE THE MERRIER

It may be obvious that hugs are good for everyone, and provides both the young and the young at heart, with a more solid sense of belonging. But, there are a few people at your dinner table that may benefit even more than the others from some extra bear hugs this year - the young and the old.

A UCLA study showed that a loving, nurturing, and affectionate environment is linked to a child’s long-term health trajectory. There is a link between how much touch a child receives and their ability to manage and cope with stress when they reach adulthood. So when the kids start to fight and get stir-crazy this year, be sure to give them an extra tight squeeze for their future.

Older adults need more hugs too; they benefit the most from physical contact and the health benefits associated with hugs. In a Swedish study, the older adults who received hugs and physical touch, connected with friends and visitors, and were otherwise active socially, had a tendency to thrive more than less social residents. Proving that both physical and social connectino are vital to keeping our loved ones healthy and happy.

You may not be eager to invite everyone in your family over for the big holiday meal and set up a hugging circle; I get it.

But, maybe the research will marinate on your little Grinch heart and make it grow a few sizes larger this holiday season.

Maybe you will funnel your holiday stress and worry into focusing on making one small change this year, for the betterment of you and those around you.

We all wish for good health and happiness for ourselves and our loved ones during the holiday season - and now we can make that wish come true with a simple hug.

• Hugging is not for everyone. This post is not meant to encourage a compromise of personal boundaries when it comes to emotional and physical comfort. Always trust your gut when it comes to connecting with others both emotionally and physically. If a hug feels unsafe, don’t do it. Your sense of safety is always the priority. *

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Empower Family Therapy wishes you and your loved ones

a safe, happy, and healthy holiday season.

Negotiating Consequences

Parents dread giving their kids consequences.

Your kid then pouts, storms off, gives them the silent treatment, or worse - makes the punishment a punishment for you. You know… the good ol’ ‘No Phone for a Week,’ consequence only to have your kid pester and bother you begging for it back, constantly begging to use your phone, or being out of contact for hours because ‘they don’t have a phone.’ It’s a tactic kids and teens use to wear down their parents, and more often than not it works! But, don’t worry - there is a way to avoid this resistance regarding consequences.

The answer is ….. Drum roll, please…..

Negotiation.

“My kid has been struggling at school and at home a lot lately. We’ve taken away his phone and grounded him from seeing friends outside of school, but there’s not much improvement and we are running out of things to take away! He seems to care less and less every time we give a consequence.” - local parent

Often times as parents, we feel the need to utilize our power and prescribe a strict consequence regiment. We want to be sure we are addressing the negative behaviors, but fear piling up the consequences in fear that our kid will revolt and make our lives a living hell. Plus, who has extra time and brain power to monitor 5 different consequences for one kid? Let alone if you have more than one child! Phew. No way.

Negotiating consequences WITH your kid is an easy tweak to make, that results in more ‘buy in,’ and compliance from your kid as they are actively engaged and participating in the process of determining a consequence. It offers autonomy to your youth in a time when they may feel powerless to the consequence of not meeting and expectation. Teens and youth tend to describe this method as feeling, “more fair.”

The only catch (of course, there’s always a little catch) to this strategy is that it takes some preparation on your part to come up with options ahead of the conversation. But, if you are following our tips from 5 Ways You’re Allowing Your Kids to Beat You at Your Own Consequences, you should already be taking a cool-down time prior to prescribing a consequence, and during that time you can prepare 2 logical consequences to address the behavior/missed expectation.

Here are a few examples:

Would you prefer to lose dessert tonight or go to bed 30 minutes earlier?

Would you prefer to lose your phone for the day or have to vacuum/mop the house?

Would you prefer to lose screen time for the week or cancel your weekend sleepover plans?

I want to clarify that including your youth in negotiating consequences is NOT a form of compromising: we are not bargaining on the consequence, rather we are introducing two equivalent options for them to make a choice.

Of course, this strategy does not work in every situation and should not completely replace assigning a singular, specific consequence. I suggest parents utilize this strategy when children/teens react appropriately to the discussion of the expectation not being met, as a token of appreciation for good participation during the interaction. If there is arguing, tantruming, or talking back. it may not be effective or appropriate to offer them a choice in the consequences this time around.

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For many of you this will help you collaborate better with your youth, and avoid consequences becoming a punishment for you as the parent. If you’d like more support with implementing these tips with your youth, reach out to us directly by emailing Tina@EmpowerFamilyTherapy.com

Consequences still not going smoothly with your kid? Check out our blog post about how your kids are outsmarting you when it comes to consequences

Leave us a comment below on how your kid responded to being more in control of their consequences!