Setting Boundaries at Holiday Time

What Are Boundaries?

Boundaries—what does that even mean, anyway? It’s a hot topic on social media, and the outcome seems great, but how do you actually do it? And even if you know how to set them, how do you keep them when Mom, Grandma, or *shudders* your in-laws are persistent, pushy, or downright rude?

The first step is understanding what boundaries truly are. TikToks or Instagram posts don’t always tell the full story.

Simply put, boundaries are guidelines that define how others treat us—and how we treat ourselves.

Boundaries Aren’t Punishments

You might’ve seen posts that make boundaries sound like punishments, but they’re not. A consequence (which isn’t the same as punishment) can be part of maintaining a boundary—but generally after it’s been violated.

We can have boundaries in many areas, including:

  • Relationships

  • Professional settings

  • Family interactions

  • Personal time

  • Social commitments

  • Financial decisions

How to Set Healthy Boundaries

Here’s a simple process for setting boundaries that stick—especially useful around the holidays:

  1. Identify Your Boundary: Start by recognizing what matters to you. For example: “Alone time to recharge is important to me.”

  2. Communicate Clearly: State your boundary and, if appropriate, share what the consequence might be if it’s not respected. Example: “I need to have my own room at Christmas to have an escape. If that’s not possible, I may need to stay elsewhere or make other plans.”

  3. Explain (If You Want To): You can share why a boundary matters—do this only if you have the emotional capacity. Example: “I know you love having everyone together, but it’s important to me to have a quiet space.”

  4. Follow Through: This is key; If you don’t follow through, people may not take your boundaries seriously next time (remember the boy who cried wolf?)

    Pro Tip: Setting a boundary isn’t about controlling others—it’s about communicating what you will do if your needs aren’t respected.

When a boundary is crossed, calmly remind the person once or twice before implementing the consequence. Of course, how firm or flexible you are depends on the situation and your comfort level.

Setting Holiday Boundaries

Now that you know how boundaries work, let’s talk about holiday boundaries—because family gatherings, financial stress, and packed schedules can make this season especially tricky.

Here are some types of boundaries you might consider setting during the holidays:

  • Conversation Boundaries: Topics you are or aren’t willing to discuss

  • Time Boundaries: How long you’ll stay at family events or how many gatherings you’ll attend

  • Financial Boundaries: How much you’ll spend on gifts or travel

  • Parenting Boundaries: What’s okay (and not okay) for extended family to give your kids

Your holiday boundaries might differ from others’, and that’s okay! They might even shift throughout the season depending on what’s happening in your life. The key is communicating any changes clearly and kindly—leave the “gotcha” surprises in October with Halloween.

Dealing with Pushback

When you set boundaries—especially new ones—it’s normal to get some pushback.

If relatives, friends, or loved ones react negatively, try this approach:

  1. Acknowledge their feelings. (“I understand you wish I could stay longer.”)

  2. Restate your boundary clearly and calmly. (“I really need that downtime to feel my best.”)

Remember that their frustration is for them to manage, not you. Boundaries help you protect your peace, not please everyone else.

Need Support Setting Boundaries?

If you need support in setting boundaries or processing the responses you get when setting them (or anything else going on in the world or your life right now), please reach out to us at Empower Family Therapy. We’re here to help family time not suck, after all!

Written by Lauren Buroker, LMFT

Tina Shrader