A Therapist’s Take On Why This Holiday Can Bring Up A Lot
Every year around mid-February, I notice the same thing happen. And not just in my therapy office, but in real life too. People get a little more tender, a little more reactive, and a little more aware of what they’re longing for (or avoiding) in their relationships.
Valentine’s Day has a way of turning up the volume on our attachment systems.
As a Marriage and Family Therapist who works from an Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) approach, I don’t see these as flaws or failures. It’s all information! This holiday doesn’t create relationship problems. It reveals where we feel secure, unsure, or disconnected.
Let’s talk about how that can look, depending on your attachment style.
If You’re on the Secure Side
“This Is Nice AND I’ll Be Okay Either Way”
If you have more of a secure attachment then Valentine’s Day probably feels genuinely enjoyable, or at least neutral, for you.
You may like celebrating, but you’re not spiraling if plans aren’t elaborate or perfect. You can name what you want, hear your partner’s perspective, and trust that your relationship isn’t defined by this one day.
That’s what security feels like from the inside: a steady sense that connection is available, even when things aren’t perfect.
If You Lean More Anxious
“Does This Mean I Matter?”
For anxiously attached folks, Valentine’s Day can tend to feel emotionally charged. There’s often a lot of hope wrapped up in it. And sometimes we don’t even realize just how much.
This can look like:
Reading into texts, plans, or a lack of initiative
Comparing your relationship to everyone else’s
Feeling hurt or disappointed even when your partner didn’t mean to hurt you
Underneath all of that is usually a really vulnerable question: “Am I important to you?”
From an EFT perspective, this isn’t being dramatic or needy. It’s an attachment system looking for reassurance and closeness. When that reassurance doesn’t land, it can come out as frustration, criticism, or emotional intensity even though what you’re really wanting is comfort.
If You Lean Avoidant
“Why Is This Such a Big Deal?”
If you’re more avoidantly attached, Valentine’s Day can feel like pressure! Expectations around romance or emotional expression might make you want to retreat rather than lean in.
You might notice yourself:
Downplaying or dismissing the importance of the holiday
Feeling criticized or like nothing you do is enough
Wanting space when your partner wants more connection
From the outside, this can sometimes look like not caring. But in my work, it translates more as a fear of failing, being overwhelmed, or losing your sense of independence.
Pulling back is often a way to protect yourself, not a sign that love isn’t there.
If Your Attachment Feels Mixed or Confusing
“I Want Closeness AND I’m Scared of It”
Some people feel both: a disorienting combination of activated and shut down around Valentine’s Day. You might crave connection while also feeling anxious, numb, or undeserving of it.
This push and pull can be exhausting! It often has roots in past experiences where we craved closeness, but closeness didn’t feel consistent or safe.
If this sounds like you, please know that nothing is “wrong” with you. Your nervous system learned this pattern to seek out what you needed to survive and avoid danger at the same time. And it can also learn new patterns of safety and connection!
Why I Talk About This With Clients
In EFT, we don’t pathologize attachment styles. We get curious about them.
Valentine’s Day often brings folks in relationships of all structures into my office asking:
“Why did this turn into a fight?”
“Why do I feel so upset when I know it’s ‘just a holiday’?”
“Why do we keep missing each other around stuff like this?”
These moments aren’t failures. They’re openings!
When we slow things down, we can uncover the softer emotions underneath the reactions: the longing to be chosen, the fear of being too much, the worry that closeness might not last.
That’s where real change happens.
When Attachment Patterns Surface on Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s Day can unintentionally highlight differences in how partners give and receive love. Even secure couples notice small tensions, and for those with anxious or avoidant patterns, these moments can feel amplified. Here are a few common scenarios and ways to respond with curiosity, care, and connection:
Feeling Pressured by the Holiday
Maybe you feel stressed or overwhelmed by the expectations of Valentine’s Day while your partner hopes for recognition or special gestures:
Use the day as an opportunity to show intentional affection—even if it feels small or symbolic. Check in with your partner about what matters most to them, and share your own perspective as well. Both experiences are valid, and understanding each other’s view can reduce tension.
Worrying About Expressed Feelings
Or, perhaps you feel worried and preoccupied whenever your partner doesn’t openly verbalize love or appreciation. You may interpret this silence as a lack of care or commitment.
Remember that people express love in different ways. Ask your partner what feeling loved looks like for them, and share what makes you feel seen. Building connection and emotional safety is like learning a new language. It takes patience, practice, and curiosity.
Craving Closeness While Feeling Afraid
Maybe you alternatively feel a combination of the two. You want to feel close and connected but worry about being too much or rejected. This push and pull shows up as hesitation, ambivalence, or mixed signals-making all partners feel uncertain.
Acknowledge the conflicting feelings without judgment. You might say something like, “I want to be close to you, but sometimes it’s scary for me.” Explore small ways to build connection and emotional safety together that feel safe. Naming these internal tensions and creating predictable, compassionate responses can help the nervous system learn new patterns of security and trust.
A Note on Communication Around Valentine’s Day
These disagreements aren’t about being “right” or “wrong.” They’re signals of underlying attachment needs: a desire for closeness, security, and emotional safety. Valentine’s Day can act as a magnifying glass, showing patterns that exist year-round. With awareness, curiosity, and a willingness to meet each other’s needs, even tense moments can become opportunities to deepen connection.
A Gentle Invitation
Whether you love Valentine’s Day, dread it, or feel completely indifferent, your reaction probably makes sense when we understand your attachment story.
As much stigma as there is around different attachment styles, therapy isn’t about fixing you or teaching you how to “do relationships right.” It’s about helping you and your partner feel safer, more connected, and more understood. And not just on Valentine’s Day, but in the everyday moments that matter even more.
If this post resonates, it might be a sign that your attachment system is asking for a little more care and attention. You don’t have to figure that out alone!
Written by Madison Gunter, ALMFT